The Courage to Journey Within
I have always held a great deal of respect for adventurers and explorers, those who willingly head out into the unknown to find what might be found Out There. Tales abound about the exploits of heroic travelers and their discoveries, findings that brought what was unknown and not yet understood into the light of knowledge. You’re probably aware of many of these adventurers yourself…..Marco Polo, Ferdinand Magellan, Commodore Perry, Kit Carson and other mountain men, Lewis and Clark, and NASA astronauts. Although some of our most important explorers never physically set out into the wide expanse of the unknown, they nonetheless made important discoveries in the realm of science that benefit us all…..Jonas Salk, Tesla and Edison, Marie Curie, Pasteur, and Albert Einstein, for example. I’ve had the opportunity to do a bit of exploring myself, as have many of our Spokane Veterans Forum allies, mostly hiking solo into the western mountain ranges. And along the trails I’ve had plenty of time to discover a once uncharted landscape that presented as much challenge as backpacking into any wilderness…..the challenge of coming to understand what was going on inside myself.
I firmly believe that to be healed and whole, we must pay attention to our conduct, decisions and actions, all of which tend to impact the external world that we share. But I am convinced also that no amount of behavioral control can substitute for understanding what has happened to us (the experiences we have internalized), how it has shaped us, and what defensive techniques we have developed to cope with the consequences of our experience. To understand ourselves more fully and to discover the roots of our behavioral and attitudinal difficulties, we have to mount an intentional journey of self-discovery by going to a sometimes really scary but grandly adventurous place we tend not to go…..into ourselves.
Now before you dismiss this idea as the psycho-babble ramblings of a misguided professional counselor, stay with me for just a bit more. My experience of being in the military (and perhaps yours) is that at its best the military mindset is no-nonsense, task focused, matter-of-fact, and structured. From the beginning of training we are expected to shut down our personal feelings, especially of sorrow or fear; to build an effective team that can get the job done, whatever it is; and to focus together on the tasks at hand. Too much emotional processing at the wrong time brings inefficiency and resultant failure. But in our personal lives, especially when we are going through a “valley of the shadow” experience, not to look within ourselves at what is really going on is a big mistake.
Unfortunately, many people (especially males) are taught from a much younger age that feelings don’t matter or are dangerous, and that mature people don’t have disruptive inner dynamics. Wrong. Trying to learn about myself, to heal of past trauma, and to develop any form of personal peace requires that I consider what’s going on in my “inner kingdom”. And that necessitates a willingness on my part to explore my thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and the effect of past experiences. It may be intimidating and unknown, but I need to be brave enough to journey into my own internal undiscovered territory.
So here are a few things to keep in mind if you get curious about discovering what lies within. First, the belief that the emotional experience of life is not important is seriously misguided. In truth, whole sections of the human brain are given to creating and integrating the non-linear aspects of awareness we call “emotion.” To pay attention only to one’s logical thoughts while rejecting the wisdom of insight is a serious mistake. It’s like blocking half your allies from being in the fight.
Second, when you set out to discover your interior kingdom, leave Shame and Guilt out of the journey. Shame is about blaming and rejecting self because of who I am, a general sense of inadequacy and inferiority. Healthy guilt is about accepting responsibility and expressing regret for something I have said or done, or left undone, that caused harm to others. Unhealthy guilt is a constant tendency to criticize, blame or find fault with oneself. It doesn’t help to discover unknown truths about Self if your purpose is to condemn and destroy what you find. There will be time enough for regret and accountability, but mounting an expedition to discover what must be conquered and destroyed in oneself doesn’t bring healing. Understanding why I am the way I am and what has happened to bring me to this place is the goal of the expedition. Think of yourself as a liberator of your undiscovered self, not a conqueror.
Third, it’s important to have someone to talk with whose judgment and compassion you trust. Having a close ally to help you with the journey makes all the difference. Remember that sometimes cave explorers or deep sea divers are connected by a rescue line linked to the surface. Going deep into your own inner experience works best if you are connected in the process.
Finally, be kind to yourself as you journey into your memories, hurts, fears, courage, and survival. Life can and does affect us, often positively and joyously, but sometimes cruelly. This journey will get personal. You may have to explore the why of your temper, your use of substances to change your mood state, a tendency to isolate and operate as a loner, how easily others control you, or who knows what else! And this exploration can be somewhat scary, which is partly why many people never examine their own lives.
Not us, though. We know what courage is and what a grand adventure is. We are on our way to discover even more positive things about ourselves, to identify where the damage has been done to us along the way, how we have learned to defend against the hurt, and how those very defenses have become part of the problem, especially when we turn them against others. All we need to do is to turn the direction of our journey inward. If you expect to find monsters in there, don’t be surprised if instead you find allies or an angel who has been waiting for you to show up.
Things to Wonder About:
What is it about talking openly with another human being that makes some people nervous/anxious?
How might having open conversations with a trusted ally be helpful to you?
What might you learn about yourself?
What (if anything) is preventing you from being more honest with yourself?