Solitude or Isolation?
I was reflecting recently about two significant experiences in my life and what they taught me about the difference between solitude and isolation. About the only thing these two terms have in common is that they contain in their meaning the idea of being alone. I saw a heart-breaking movie a while back called Castaway, in which Tom Hanks portrays a man isolated for years on an uninhabited tropical island after a plane crash at sea. His struggle to survive on his own is a powerful example of self-reliance, but the deeper message in the film is the devastating effect of being alone for such a long time. He was cut off not only from those he loved, but from any form of human contact, support, and nurturance. It led him to consider and to (unsuccessfully) attempt suicide. It brought him to the brink of madness, in which his only companion was the accidental face of a bloody handprint on a volleyball that he came to call Wilson. His imagination created this “person”, the only friend he had through the long years of his isolation.
In contrast, I once went on a solitary trek across the Sierra Nevada range of Kings Canyon and Sequoia National Parks, traveling 65 miles in nine days to climb Mt. Whitney from the western approach. The peak is the highest in the continental U.S. at 14,494 feet in altitude; Mt. Rainier is 14,410. I went to have an adventure, to further explore those wonderful forests and mountains, and to give thought to some sorrows that I wanted to understand and to heal. I went to experience the benefits of immersion in nature and the blessings of solitude. It was a difficult but life-changing journey, and when it was over I came home wiser and more at peace. Solitude can do that for you, but isolation cannot.
Solitude is something that is beneficial in part because it is chosen. Solitude is constructive because one intentionally spends time alone to ponder, to meditate, to feel without reservation, perhaps to create something, or to explore what is meaningful in one’s life. For many, solitude is longed for and hard to come by, given the hectic nature of our busy-ness. Nonetheless, when solitude has accomplished its purpose, we can readily reconnect with the world around us and the people important to our lives.
Isolation is another matter altogether. We become isolated for reasons that are not as benign or helpful, and the experience of isolation itself is potentially destructive. There are different reasons why a person becomes isolated. First, a person can be isolated because being alone is forced upon them, as it was in Castaway. Coping with a protracted lack of connection becomes psychologically damaging, much like a battery that eventually goes dead without being recharged. While we may be self-reliant and independent, each of us needs at some level the positive, caring support of people we can trust. We are replenished, if you will, by our companions on the journey.
Second, people sometimes isolate in order to protect themselves from harm. They don’t actually want to disengage from others, but must when those around them are threatening or punitive. We see this in abused children who withdraw, become fearful and untrusting, and are hard to reach. This pattern of self-protective isolation also leads to what family counselors call “emotional divorce”. Many conflicted couples may still be functionally connected but are no longer actually “together” emotionally; they go through the motions, perhaps, but their hearts are isolated from each other.
Third, some people choose isolation as an alternative to facing that which is difficult in themselves. This can take the form of emotional isolation by choosing to be physically alone, or by being physically around other people but emotionally distrusting and self-protective. If they can just stay disconnected from others, they will not be reminded of their own nature as others experience them; they will not have to face themselves and their own immaturities; they will not have to do the hard work of self-examination and healing. This form of isolation appears to be a “choice”, but is largely about avoidance. What is being avoided is the truth about oneself. And especially when growth and healing are needed, this self-imposed isolation is particularly self-destructive. What appears to be an escape is a circular pathway back to the same old self, with no exit.
So, especially when life presents us with challenging circumstances, it is important to monitor whether we are practicing isolation or staying connected. I heard a perceptive person say that we should no longer use the term “social distancing”, but adopt instead the term “physical distancing” to describe keeping ourselves and others safe from communicable diseases. We need to remain faithful in staying socially connected to others. For those who are participants in our Spokane Veterans Forum, this means continued regular contact and open dialogue with your mentor, at the very least. It means looking forward to our monthly group meetings, doing your best to show up with an open heart and mind, not merely to physically attend. And it means recognizing that self-reliance and solitude are good, but that isolation can be damaging.
Halfway through my Sierra trek, I reached Colby Pass on the border between the two national parks. It’s about 12,000 feet up and looks like the surface of the moon…..well above tree line and not a blade of grass in sight. You can look down from there and see the tops of wingspread hawks hunting far below. As I took a break before heading down to a distant valley campsite, I noticed one solitary little plant growing under the overhang of a granite rock. Hidden from the wind and sheltered from frequent storms, it was blooming its tiny heart out in this most beautiful but desolate place. I thought, “This is why I chose to come out here alone, to grow and to blossom and to Be.” That’s the blessing of solitude. And my next thought was to go home with what I had learned, to love those I cared about and to let them love me back as best I could. Isolation would have trapped me in the wilderness. Solitude sent me home a better man.
Things To Wonder About:
What do you like about getting some time to yourself?
What do you like about hanging out with others?
Which do you find to be most comfortable, and why?
Think of one or two people you trust that you could talk with about what you are carrying around inside yourself. How might that help?