Good Grief!
In another of my Doc’s Corner missives (The Courage to Journey Within) I described the importance of taking a good look inside oneself (without guilt or shame!) to understand what was happening in your thoughts, feelings and attitudes. One of the unexpected discoveries many veterans eventually come across in this journey is that they are carrying the pain of unresolved loss and hurt, and that this unhealed injury is contributing to current difficulties in life.
Perhaps you’ll recall that I flew as a medevac Doc with the Marines in Vietnam. In the spring of 1971 our Phrog dropped in next to a village somewhere in I Corps to pick up a second round of injured troops from that same LZ. I was ready for wounded Marines but not for the patients they brought me this time. A little boy and a little girl about five or six years old came in on one stretcher, both covered in shrapnel wounds and clearly affected by blast. They had received minimal medical care and were bleeding out. My heart sank because I knew immediately that I might not be able to save them both. I worked as fast as I could as we raced toward the field hospital, but my initial triage perception was correct. I had to choose which one to save, which one to tend to first…..so one child died and one lived. Something died inside me that day, too, despite everything I had already seen, because I grieved silently about that tragedy for years.
When we lose something or someone valuable to us, meaningful to us, important to us, we experience loss…..and this loss is painful. We have each known significant loss in our lives, some from our military experiences, others from the painful events of life in general, and some from both. Loss produces anger, sorrow, and sometimes a feeling of being unfocused and adrift. These are normal, emotion-filled responses to loss. When we journey through the process of discovering why we are angry, embracing our sorrow, and learning to live with the reality of the loss, healing happens. The problem we are facing within is grief; the gradual process of healing is called mourning.And No, we don’t want to spend our lives wallowing in self-pity (that’s the argument often given by those who don’t want to let the hurt be true). However, not to address grief is to give it the power to block our path forward.
What are the signs in a person that s/he is experiencing unresolved grief? Here are a few, remembering that each individual will exhibit a unique pattern of symptoms:
Unwillingness to talk about the loss Guilt
Preoccupation with the lost person or thing Increased substance abuse
On-going physiological stress reaction Workaholism
Angry acting out (physically or verbally) Withdrawal and isolation
Directionless and ungrounded path (drifting) Refusing to accept the new reality that loss
Inability to function as one had before the loss creates
Some losses are tangible (someone keys your new car or you are diagnosed with a serious illness), some are intangible (the loss of innocence and hopefulness that can accompany trauma), some are relational (loss of a loved one through death or break-up), and some are internal (the loss of a personal faith). The most damaging losses are those that we stuff away without ever talking to a trusted ally about them. Please remember that when we bury our feelings, we bury them alive, where they continue to adversely affect our progress. Loss leads to grief. Grief never ends if it does not heal. Grief is healed through mourning.
There are four main tasks if you choose to heal your grief, whether it is new or about things that happened years ago. First, you must accept the reality of the loss. Hindrance to healing comes from refusal to let what is true be true. You don’t have to like it or feel good about it, but you must not deny it. Knowing the truth does help set us free, although (as I’ve discovered) the truth quite often beats us up before it sets us free, especially if it’s truth about ourselves. Tell yourself the truth about who or what you’ve lost anyway and see what happens.
Second, talk out and express freely the effects of the loss, including its accompanying emotional pain. What can hinder you here is the refusal to feel. Grief is an emotional problem and will not fully heal if you avoid your own emotional experience, past and present.
Third, adjust to a life and a world in which what is lost is missing, no longer present, gone. It does no good to cling to the past, wishing to regain what will never be true again. The potential hindrance to growth here is refusing to adapt to a new reality.
Fourth, emotionally relocate what was lost to the past, even if it was a person or thing of great value to you. Remember to be grateful for the goodness you experienced before the loss occurred. Then move on with life, becoming more and more aware of the goodness that exists in the present. Hindrance to growth here is the refusal to accept, value, and love what is new. If I am anchored by unresolved past hurt, I am imprisoned in the present and unable to reach for the best future.
Fifty years after my most tragic medevac, I have walked through what seemed at times like endless sorrow and anger about little ones caught in the crossfire. Whatever you believe about soldiers and military readiness, I will always believe that children should not be allowed in the vicinity of fire fights. But they are, in every war. It took me a long time to let it be true that children are among the most frequent casualties in combat. I finally let myself tell a few friends the story I’m writing about here, which I delayed for years because it always made me cry. The sadness of their broken little bodies was hard enough to witness, but having to choose because I could not save them both was devastating, and I never got over its effects. I had grieved for years but never mourned their fate, or my own. Eventually, by talking about it with those I trust, I was able to let the feelings be current but recognize that the events were history. I learned and I gradually changed.
I now see more clearly how vulnerable children are in general, and how much each of us is responsible for watching out for them. Now when I see the young children in my peaceful, friendly neighborhood racing up and down the block on their bikes and little scooters, whooping and hollering and being free to be children, I remember my little wounded siblings on that flight. I can’t change what happened to them and to me, but I am so grateful for the safety, and nurturance, and hopefulness of my neighbors’ little ones. The memory is still tender, but I don’t live on that Phrog now. I live surrounded by children on a peaceful street near the woods, albeit with a scarred heart.
Remember, if you never grieve, it can only be because nothing really matters to you. If and when you experience grief, it is a clear sign that (especially regarding people) you actually love and are emotionally attached. So take stock and wander in the direction of your own losses. After the truth has gotten your attention, it will set you on a brighter path, but only after you have named the shadows in your valley.
Things To Wonder About:
Describe an experience that has brought sorrow, regret, or anger to your life. Why do you feel badly about it?
What would it take for you to heal of the hurt or disappointment and to move on?
What’s stopping you from letting it go?