A New Definition of Success
Are you successful? Your answer will depend, I believe, on the standards or criteria you use to compare yourself to others. Unfortunately, many people in our country define success in purely materialistic terms. Here’s a list of some of those common criteria:
How much money do you have saved or invested?
How much money do you make each year?
Do you own your own home?
How big or how fancy or in what neighborhood is your house?
Do you have a college education or graduate degree? If so, how expensive or elite is your alma mater?
How many cars do you have and how expensive are they?
Do you dress in pricey clothes that reflect the latest fashion?
What is your occupation?
How much status and authority do you have at work?
How tall, fit, and otherwise physically attractive are you?
Are you an accomplished athlete, artist, or published scholar?
How “successful” are the people in your social circle?
How famous are you?
What kind of vacations can you afford?
How successful do other people consider you to be?
I began to think about the question of success while on a solo backpack trip that took me to the high country of Glacier Peak in northwest Washington. There were 37 long switchbacks that led uphill to the glacier level of the mountain, so I occupied my mind by reviewing each year of my life for each sharp turn in the upward trail. Along the way I began to question the reasonableness of using materialism and social status to determine whether I had become successful as I approached 40 years of age.
I asked myself, “Self, if those are not the correct issues to consider, what standards should I be using for a more enlightened answer to the question, Am I successful?” My thoughts both then and in subsequent reflection led me to consider four significant questions that I now use to determine my level of success. Here they are, in the sequential order of what I believe to be most important.
First, how are my relationships? All things being equal (and they rarely are!), am I a blessing or a curse in the lives of the people around me? When a person is no longer in my life because they move away, become attached to others, or find interests we do not share, are they in better shape than when they met me? Or are they hurt and in need of healing because they spent time with me? Are people better off spiritually and emotionally because I was in their life for a time? Or do they have to pick up the pieces and try to carry on with the rest of the walking wounded once I am gone? Are my long-term relationships healthy and beneficial to them, or are they struggling to limit the kind of damage one person can inflict on another? No one is perfect (including you and me!). Nonetheless, has my presence been a source of goodness in another’s life, or are they more cautious and saddened because of the way I treated them?
The Golden Rule is relevant here. It appears in the writings associated with most major religions and is understood to be a standard of basic morality around the world. In that light, what has been my impact on others over the course of my life?
My Dad was a hard-working, unpretentious man who believed in carrying his strength with honor. He was also imperfect. One Saturday he gave instructions to my two brothers and me to get our chores done before anything else. I got my share of the tasks completed and left for a morning bike ride. My brothers watched TV while Dad was gone running errands, then jumped up to look busy when he pulled into the driveway. My brothers neglected to inform Dad of our agreed-upon division of labor, so he understandably but incorrectly assumed that I had disobeyed his instructions. His punishment was unnecessarily harsh and marked by anger. I was 12, and it was the last time he ever lifted a hand against me.
My father did not cry easily; I have seen him cry only three times in my life. I will never forget the tears in his eyes as he apologized and sought my forgiveness for punishing me without hearing my explanation first. The lesson I learned has stayed with me since. He was not too proud to own his fault, not too arrogant to seek to correct his mistake, not so defensive that he could not be mindful of the impact of his hasty anger. He was more concerned about having hurt me when I was innocent than he was with protecting his own image. He lived with and expressed this belief: How I treat others is central to what it means to be a good man.
Now I ask myself, when thinking about my life, “Am I a blessing or a curse in the lives of those around me?” Everything else is secondary.
The next question I ask myself when wondering if I am a successful person is this: Am I growing or just getting older? Everyone gets older as the years go by, but not everyone matures. Some become wiser and more filled with grace for other people; some just get bitter or angry or disappointed when life doesn’t go the way they want. Some people choose to feel like victims when difficult things happen in their lives; others work through the difficulties, especially with supportive friends and family, learning everything they can from their experience.
A psychologist whose specialty is aging told me that some elderly persons seem to experience joy as they approach the end of their life, while others become isolated, angry, depressed or increasingly whiny, complaining and critical of others. The major factor that leads people to go down one of these paths instead of the other is this: The person who takes responsibility for their own life as if no one owes them, and who seeks to learn from this life by accepting the consequences of their own actions, develops the wisdom that enables a peaceful, positive assessment of the past. The person who seeks to avoid responsibility, who presents themselves as a victim to be rescued or a tyrant to be obeyed, eventually goes sour on life and sinks into bitterness and disappointment. Thus, personal growth is essential for maturity. Knowing this fact leads me to my own self-evaluation: In what way do I need to grow up instead of just surviving as the years flow by?
If I tend to be shy and self-protective around others, am I becoming more self-confident, and thus more able to be with others instead of always being alone?
If I tend to be rigid and judgmental, am I loosening up and becoming less critical of others? Can I accept that we’re all just “stumbling heavenward”? Am I laying to rest the critical spirit that characterizes my statements and behavior toward others?
If I tend to be deceptive and manipulative, am I learning instead to be direct, open and honest with others? Do I still tend to arrange matters in a way that primarily benefits ME, or have I learned to compassionately consider what others might want or need?
Do I have a temper and do I still become angry, threatening and disrespectful at the slightest perceived provocation? Or have I matured enough to become master of that sleeping dragon within?
When I am sad and weary from struggling to meet the demands of life, do I retreat to my shadowed home, my mind-altering substances, and the self-imposed isolation that creates the illusion of safety? Or have I learned to care for others and to take the risk of trusting them as we become friends? The well-known philosophical cartoonist Ashleigh Brilliant once said, “No man is an island, but some of us are very long peninsulas.” Thus, have I changed enough to understand that I need others in order to thrive?
There are a multitude of such questions that ask Am I growing?, or am I just watching the time go by until it’s over? Though none of us is perfect, we can become wiser, more kind, patient, accepting of differences, and forgiving as we mature. Or, like many people, we can choose to function as an immature, demanding, emotionally volatile child in an adult body.
The next question I use to gauge the true success of my life is this: Am I making a difference somewhere? Understanding this principle is simple if you stand on this Truth: Love is not what you feel, although what you feel often matters; instead, Love is what you do. And the best expressions of Love are tangible, physical, even practical.
There may be a disabled elder in your neighborhood who needs help mowing their lawn in summer or shoveling the snow off the sidewalk in winter. The foodbank in your town probably needs volunteers to help package groceries for those in need. Animal shelters need people who will walk dogs and cats outside, helping the pets to trust humans as they await adoption. Many schools need adult teaching assistants to help with classroom activities and field trips. Highways near your place are frequently carpeted in litter, awaiting a small crew of people with plastic trash bags. Shut-ins are grateful for meals delivered to their homes, especially in winter. Single parents with limited tools and mechanical skills are always grateful to the ally who repairs their child’s bicycle…..and the list goes on.
Whether volunteer or salaried, some people become leaders in community service, education, or medical care. They blend their efforts to help others with the progression of their own careers. However, not everyone is “on-the-job” as they contribute to the needs of their community, their neighborhood, and the larger society. For example, two men on my block are career military pilots who sacrificed by being frequently away from home and family to protect the rest of us. Another is a firefighter who became a high school math teacher in his post-retirement second career. My next-door neighbor is a truck driver who distributes food to family-owned grocery stores in small towns across the state. Across the street lives a professional counselor whose specialty is helping troubled children and adolescents. A few houses down the street resides a retired Emergency Room nurse who is also a skilled gardener; she helps new families in the neighborhood grow vegetables and flowers in their yards. A disabled veteran of the Vietnam war makes wooden toys for children in his garage shop, donating them to the U. S. Marine Corps Toys for Tots program.
It doesn’t matter what you do to make a difference somewhere in the world. What matters is whether you and I are doing something to help make the world and the lives of other people better. Our society tends to focus on personal gain for the self as a desired outcome for one’s efforts. In contrast, this question reflects the importance of service to others. In fact, research about human nature indicates that “looking out for number one” rarely leads to happiness.
The fourth pillar of our New Definition of Success is this: Am I grateful for the life I’ve been given? It is the rare person who gets every wish they have about their life. Hard work, learning and good decisions can help us to achieve most of our goals, but a certain amount of disappointment, failure and loss are inevitable. The attitude we develop about the win/loss ratio of our experiences in life can lead us to gratitude for the opportunity to be here and for the positive things we have known along the way. That gratitude can also extend to an appreciation for what we have learned and who we have become as we struggled with the inevitable difficulties we encountered along the way. However, if we cannot or will not accept the losses and difficulties of life, our anger and frustration can grow to bitterness, to a generalized unhappiness that permeates our attitude about life itself.
Abraham Lincoln once said, “People are about as happy as they choose to be.” That choice, and all the other choices we make along the way, determines our ability to be hopeful, and responsible, and strong when our circumstances need it. Yes, sometimes life is difficult. And sometimes life is beautiful, filled with unexpected adventures, joyful outcomes, and wonderful people we meet along the way.
When I was 40 years old I took a 67 mile solo hike across King’s Canyon and Sequoia National Parks to climb Mt. Whitney from the western side. On day five I went over 12,000 foot Colby Pass, dropping down toward a broad meadow for the night. It was a long trek that day, and I was more than tired. About a half mile from my camp site was a section of trail that had been blasted out of a rocky cliff. It was nearly straight up, requiring hands and feet to scramble up about 100 yards. I still had 45 lbs. in my pack and had hiked 10 miles already.
I had to do some serious attitude adjustment to get myself over that steep section of trail…..sometimes life is unexpectedly difficult. What got me through it was my over-arching appreciation for the wilderness itself and the opportunity to be out there in such magnificent country. Was it hard just then? Of course. What got me through, though, was not complaining, but gratitude for the experience of being out there in the first place. So, however difficult or relatively easy your life has been, maintaining an attitude of gratitude can take you through the tough times as you make your way to success.
Things to Wonder About:
Choose one of your current relationships to consider:
What benefit(s) do you get from knowing that person?
If that person were honest about their experience of knowing you, what would they say? Do you think they are better off for knowing you, or will they have to heal? Why do you think so?
Name three things you are grateful for in your life (not three people).